Sunday, 1 January 2017

First-Footer of 2017

Happy New Year!

Sadly my first footer of 2017 wasn't Bonnie Langford doing a funky 80s dance routine but Elsie from next door with a bottle of Amarula.

I remember watching this episode of  Emu's Pink Windmill when I was a child, it was around the 0:14 mark that my sister threw a slipper at the television screen. I wonder if the boys at 0:58 had a quick glimpse of Bonnie's 'Pink Windmill' during the dance routine.

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Goodbye Nana

The Royle Family's Nana, Liz Smith has died aged 95, she joins her co-host Caroline Aherne (Denise) who also died earlier this year.

"Norma Speakman: May God forgive you Jim Royle for talking ill of the dead like that.
Jim Royle: I wasn't speaking ill of the dead, I was speaking about you, the living bloody dead!

I only saw Liz a week ago in The Secret Garden enjoying a baked potato.

Monday, 26 December 2016

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Happy Christmas!

and a preposterous New Year! 

Friday, 23 December 2016

Minge Pies

Calories don't count on a Friday, so lets enjoy a deep filled festive Minge pie.

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Council House Fayre With Kay

Check out the eggs at 3:51 and drool.

Kay from Sheffield doesn't have any worktops in her kitchen, but that doesn't stop her from making culinary delights, such as bacon and egg sandwiches, Chicken Tikka Masala (with chips) and my personal favourite chips and cheese, she does a great pan of chips. She even manages to prepare and cook a full Christmas dinner on top of her hob. If you've got a favourite meal you'd like Kay to prepare then send her a request in the YouTube comment box. I wonder how she's getting on with that croquembouche that I asked for.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016


It's been misty, murky, damp and drizzly here today, but I was cheered up by the sight of a Christmas card hanging out of my bristled slot this morning. Could it be a cheery father Christmas with his ruddy face, perhaps an olden day ice skater clutching her muff or a little Robin redbreast perched on a branch of holly, oh the excitement as I fumbled with the envelope. Imagine my disappointment when I opened it and was greeted by this scene so early in the morning. It was from Renata the old lass who lives opposite, wishing me a happy Christmas. I thought she liked me.

Forget Santa, sprouts and carol singers nothing truly says 'Christmas is here' like the sight of people in peril. Lifeboat Rescue by Robert Jobling (1841-1923)

Wednesday, 7 December 2016

Kitten Fleeces

Before I make a trip to Bonny Street Market for mother's Christmas present, I want to know your views on kitten fleeces.

Thursday, 1 December 2016


I wanted a holiday filled with wonder, awe and excitement, I couldn't find one, so I went to Benidorm instead.
When travelling to foreign climes where mosquitos are rife, it is advisable to check under the rim of the toilet for mosquitos (a favourite lurking place of theirs). In one sitting alone I was bitten 3 times on my arse, with one bite just half an inch away from my nipsy, can you imagine that? The relief I got from sitting in a wicker chair, in a street café, gyrating my hips in a circular motion was that of pure ecstasy. I really went for it in the Ale-Hop shop and got stuck in with my hand for a good old scrat. When in Benidorm.

Some famous faces for you to marvel over.
Emily Bishop enjoying a fag and a pot of tea at the Belroy, the former Café de Paris.

Judi Dench showing off her tats and admiring a fine array of tat on display, she was a difficult one to photograph, too flighty.

Susan Boyle, enjoying a sedate plod around the old town.

A proper Spanish Costas song.

The Klaxons were a Belgian accordion based band who had a minor UK hit in 1983 with "The Clap Clap Sound", which reached number 45 in the charts.

Saturday, 15 October 2016

Ta-ra Chuck

❤️ "Woman, Stanley, Woman"

Wednesday, 20 July 2016


I'm dripping like a fucked fridge.

Monday, 18 July 2016

Carmen by Mitzi

I used my finger nails to sculpt her features, much easier than using a knife.
After an hour in the oven at 100 degrees,  it's time to paint her up. You can never have too much rouge...
if it's the Victorian whore look that you're going for. Place her on a sunny window sill and watch her age until the desired effect is achieved.
Sun damaged skin. Skin becomes pliable after a few days, so you can drag those jowls down.
There, finished and not a bad likeness either. Pubic hair courtesy of Dame Shirley Bassey.

Saturday, 9 July 2016

Apple Gran

My maid of all work Carmen, turns 50 in a few days time... 50! To be honest she doesn't look 50 at all, she looks more like 65!

What do you buy a maid of all work who has everything including a Morphy Richards steam mop and iron?  

I might have a stab at making an apple gran in her likeness, she'll be thrilled. 

Let's remind ourselves of that exquisite ornament I made for her a couple of years ago?

Thursday, 23 June 2016


Have you ever wondered what causes foam to appear on certain plants in your garden? I used to think it was passers-by gozzing on my beautiful scented bush, until my maid of all work Carmen told me it was caused by insects, but she had no idea what they looked like, so I had a root around with a stick and saw the culprits for myself.

The Common Froghopper nymph, as it's name suggests, is a frog like insect about 3mm long and lives in a protective mass of foam, known as cuckoo spit, it makes the foam by blowing tiny bubbles out of it's arse, a self frothing arsehole if you like, a thing of dreams. Those nymphs start out green, turning brown as they mature into adulthood and are capable of jumping 28 inches. If we were able to jump that length we would cover 650ft, 1 mile in 8 jumps, 1040 jumps I could be in Blackpool within the hour with my party frock on.

Photos courtesy of the internet.