Saturday, 27 May 2017

Jazz Hands

This'll  keep you busy while I'm away.



Double dream hands and shimmy high. Camper than a Jane McDonald concert!

Wise Words From Miss Babs

"One of the worst aspects of homelessness is you really haven't anywhere to put a chandelier".

Lebanese episode of Acorn Antiques.

Thursday, 25 May 2017

Black Tights White Shoes

I was at the chemist today waiting for Carmen's prescription to be dispensed, terrible smell of damp in the waiting room coming from Jim 74, Langdale Crescent,  Pearl 66 from Thwaite Street wrinkled up her nose in disgust, that's her in the picture, wearing black tights and white shoes! 'Eww Fusty towels' whispered Lynne 58 from Hull Road. I've never seen these people before in my life and yet I know their full names, their D.O.B and their addresses including house number, one woman Margaret 63 from Mill Beck Court called in on spec to see if her prescription was ready to pick-up, (it was) she usually has hers delivered, but she's going away at the weekend to Wales and they'll be nobody at home, 'Oh, how lovely' said the gossipy chemist, where in Wales are you going to? Llandudno, she even mentioned the name of the hotel she'll be staying in. If I was a weirdo (please don't mock) I could ring up Margaret tomorrow evening at the mentioned hotel to say I've burgled your house, that'll teach the silly cow a lesson.

After a 20 minute wait Carmen 50, yes 50! was just about to confirm her name, address and D.O.B. to all and sundry when I piped in, 'show your driving license! you never know who's listening'. 

How to keep towels smelling fresh click here. Especially for Jim.

Monday, 27 March 2017

Tenerife

Been to Tenerife for a well earned break. It's been a tonic to get away from it all and to feel some warm winter sun on my flanges once again. The flight took a staggering 5 and a half  hours, thanks to air traffic control strikes in France, I could have wept when it was announced over the tannoy, the journey normally takes 3hrs 50 mins and that's long enough.

Puerto de la Cruz where it's always 1978. This is one of my favourite spots in Puerto de la Cruz, Playa San Telmo See it live here . There is a couple of restaurants etched in the rocks just below of where I was standing, Restaurante Rustico, I once dined there many years ago and was surprised to see Norman Wisdom at the next table.

The black sand of Playa Jardin is a 25 minute walk from our hotel, if we couldn't be arsed to walk, we would take advantage of the free yellow land train situated right outside our hotel, it takes people to and from Loro Parque, from there it's just a five minute walk.

Click to enlarge the shoe museum.
When was the last time you saw a shoe display like this? On reflection, when was the last time you saw shoes like these? I'm quite fond of the red and white sling backs in the foreground.
Taken from the balcony.

Come in, the waters lovely. One day, when Carmen was making full use of her Grindr app, I packed my swim cap and comb and my paperback book and headed off alone to the Lago Martiánez and had a lovely time.




View from the balcony of  the snow capped Mount Teide, she usually blows her top every 100 years, the last time was in 1909 so she is long overdue an eruption, I was sat on the balcony looking at it with awe and willing it to erupt.



Agatha Christie came here for a holiday, wrote a book about The Mysterious Mr Quin and they erected a bust in her honour.  


One for the pot.

A cheeky snap of Dutch women from our hotel, gasp at the femininity, she is wearing white stockings.



Ottawan's new song (new to Tenerife) D.I.S.C.O.

Haute couture.
Live cam harbour wall, Puerto De La Cruz. I sent multiple text messages inviting family and friends to click on the live webcam where they could view the maid and I sitting topless on the harbour wall enjoying a 'cornet' as my old gran used to call them.

Friday, 10 March 2017

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Crotch Rot

Not even a year old and already my Wrangler 32 R  have Crotch Blowout at the seam. Does this happen to you?



Washing Denim More Regularly – Washing your denim every few months will keep the fibres strong and clean. This will also help avoid the occurrence of blowouts and contrary to the belief of most, this will have minimal negative effects on your fades.

Every few months! Mine gets put in the wash after 2 days of wearing.



Can I tempt anyone to one of my homemade Jaffa Cakes?

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Books, DVDs and Crap

                           For your viewing pleasure. 


The King Charles spaniel in the frame is my gran's faithful old fanny licker, Queeny.

Friday, 10 February 2017

In These Shoes

A week or so ago I crammed my manly size 9s into a size 7 1/2 shoe and went traipsing around the shops in them for hours on end. Surprisingly no blister but I was horrified to discover I had developed a subungual hematoma aka a blackened nail and it's been giving me gyp ever since, there is only one thing for it. "Carmen, fetch the drill"

Suck it!

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Typhus Carmen


When Carmen developed  a rash on her legs, arms and body she put it down to having an allergic reaction to her new diabetes medication. However, blood tests have shown that my maid of all work has the early stages of Typhus a disease spread through the bites of lice and fleas, she's had it for at least 7 weeks which would tie in with our Benidorm holiday, thank goodness, I would hate anyone to think that I live in a rat infested midden. Typhus is very prevalent in Spain. Carmen is blaming a stray cat that was weaving in and around her legs at a pavement café, she was chatting away as normal (non frigging stop), when I noticed a look of terror on her face, pointing to her feet she told me in dramatic tones to 'get... rid... of ....it' judging by her reaction I was expecting to see a snake down there instead of a fluffy white cat with rummy eyes. It's like living with Dame Edith Evans. 

Carmen was given an antibiotic injection this morning and was told the rash would start to clear away in a few days, she was also told/warned by her superior that Typhus is a forbidden topic in the Flange household and if anyone should ask about her rash she is to say it's shingles. In the meantime I'm having one of these fitted in the front garden disguised as a lily pond.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

First-Footer of 2017

Happy New Year!

Sadly my first footer of 2017 wasn't Bonnie Langford doing a funky 80s dance routine but Elsie from next door with a bottle of Amarula.



I remember watching this episode of  Emu's Pink Windmill when I was a child, it was around the 0:14 mark that my sister threw a slipper at the television screen. I wonder if the boys at 0:58 had a quick glimpse of Bonnie's 'Pink Windmill' during the dance routine.

Monday, 26 December 2016

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Happy Christmas!


and a preposterous New Year! 

Friday, 23 December 2016

Minge Pies


Calories don't count on a Friday, so lets enjoy a deep filled festive Minge pie.


Sunday, 18 December 2016

Council House Fayre With Kay




Check out the eggs at 3:51 and drool.

Kay from Sheffield doesn't have any worktops in her kitchen, but that doesn't stop her from making culinary delights, such as bacon and egg sandwiches, Chicken Tikka Masala (with chips) and my personal favourite chips and cheese, she does a great pan of chips. She even manages to prepare and cook a full Christmas dinner on top of her hob. If you've got a favourite meal you'd like Kay to prepare then send her a request in the YouTube comment box. I wonder how she's getting on with that croquembouche that I asked for.