|Fireworks and celebration for the arrival of the three Queens docked at Southampton. I don't know who the other one was!|
|Lily Savage is looking a bit rough nowadays! No, it isn't Lily, it's the Celebrity Eclipse's Cruise Director Sue Denning. Bona riah!|
After 2 rough days at sea, where did we find ourselves?
Malaga: Sunny with patchy cloud. Disaster struck, my maid of all work Carmen, started to complain of back ache whilst in a Spanish café, as we got up to leave, she let out an almighty howl, silencing the café, just like a scene from the Rovers Return. She was hobbling around Malaga bent over and looking like a human question mark, oh, it was funny. Later on in the evening she started writhing on the bed in agony, clutching her neither regions and babbling of green fields. I called the medical emergency number and they told me to bring her down to the clinic, dressed in a white robe she looked like Iphigenia about to be sacrificed. The nurse took a water sample and it showed what we had suspected, kidney stones, the nurse gave me the cup to look at, (I took it gingerly and asked her if she had a chilled one) with all the racket Carmen was making I was expecting to see kidney stones the size of marbles, instead of what looked like grains of sand, all that fuss for that! An injection of pethidine in her arse cheek, some pain killing tablets and a course of antibiotics soon cured her moaning. Mitzi $350 poorer!
|At around 7pm our cabin boy Custard from Goa would come into our room to turn down the beds and every night he would place a chocolate on our pillow. Wasn't that nice of him?|
Day at sea
Cabin fever! Carmen still raving.
Cannes: Warm and sunny. Tender boats today. Spent an hour traipsing around Cannes on my own, it was during the film festival too, the place was heaving.
|An unCanny resemblance to Bridlington! Taken from the balcony.|
Civitavecchia: Cold and overcast. I phoned my mother, she said it was 80 degrees in the UK today! Trip to Rome cancelled due to Carmen selfish malady got full refund for both our trips. I took the shuttle into Civitavecchia, nice little seaside town, had a look at the shops, bought an ice-cream and sat on a bench. Feeling very sorry for myself. I dread going back to the ship to moaning Myrtle.
Livorno: Sunny. Trip to Florence/Pisa cancelled due to Carmen's ailment, although she says she's feeling a lot better today so we could have gone on the trip after all. Managed a little stroll into Livorno instead, nice market. I should never have worn my new loafers, I've got blisters on my ankles the size of dinner plates.
Genoa: Sunny. Blisters are throbbing had to wear flip-flops. Walk through the back streets of Genoa and you will see standing on every corner a prostitute offering her wares to all and sundry. Narrow winding alleyways lined with shops on both sides, but today is Sunday and all the shops are shut. Reminds me of Diagon Alley in the Harry Potter films, minus the prostitutes. A lovely Danny La Rue style drag queen called Diane Cousins is our entertainment tonight, I've seen her act before, she's quite good.
Day at sea
Sunbathing on deck, I wanted a sun bed with close proximity to the Americans so I could observe their strange ways from behind dark glasses. I wasn't disappointed. An American woman on the sun bed next to mine was reading her Kindle, she stopped reading, turned to her husband and asked him (Hank) what colour is heliotrope? He shook his head in the negative, then she turned and asked me if I knew, as if I'm the oracle of Delphi. I told her I didn't know, but the clue is sometimes in the name Helio/Helios in greek mythology is a sun god, so I reckon it'll be a deep yellow colour, then I asked her to read out the sentence to see if it fitted: "Susan lives in a heliotrope painted apartment" didn't give much away there, but we were both contented that Susan lived in a yellow painted apartment, until Carmen piped up and said it was purple. Only mad people and goths paint their apartments purple. Poor Carmen, she's still delirious from her ordeal.
I called my mother to ask if she knew what colour heliotrope is. She also said it was purple. I visited the barbers for a tidy up and bought a china mug with 'Her Ladyship' written on it. Bobby Davro is tonight's entertainment, think I'll take a couple of Carmen's strong pain killers and have an early night.
Yet another frigging Day at sea. Overcast.
Ventriloquist act is performing in the theatre tonight, think I'll go and slit my throat.
Lisbon: Pissing down with rain. Very hilly, it seems a very popular place with lesbians for some strange reason. Lady pianist called Clare Maidin is performing for us tonight at the theatre. I've seen her performance before. I wonder if it'll be the same act.
2 miserable days at sea, it's too wet and cold to sunbathe.